We rent a house that's so different than where we use to live. It's a breath taking spot to live in summer. Right by the exploits river and it's away from noisy neighbors, sirens, and traffic. I feel almost like I'm camping this while we've been here. Winter living here is a whole different story.
I found a decent job right away when we moved here. My husband was on sick leave from his job back where we lived so he would be the stay at home dad. It was freeing to go back to work and do something since I had been the stay at home mom for about 2 yrs. Pretty much since I became pregnant with our daughter.
Most days I enjoyed going to work. A chance to meet people, socialize and get a break from mom life.
But the first winter in nfld my husband had enough of getting disability payments and wanted to start making more money than he was getting. So where did he end up going? Back to where we just came from!
I didn't like the idea but if he can make more money and get some bills paid up and gone then I shouldn't have a problem with it. But, after awhile I noticed it wasn't making much of a difference. Him living there and me here equals about double the expenses. He buys his own groceries and eats out there. And I have groceries fuel and other things to pay here. Sure I was working but half went to fuel and the other half to babysitter or things we needed, bills etc.
I have tried saving money thru out the years but somewhere along the way it goes to something else, a bill, food, etc and it ends up back into the chequeing account.
***This year I want to see money saved and not spent on needless things or extravagant outings.
Again this winter, the 2nd winter in nfld my husband is back to working where we use to live. I'm here in a place that I still feel is foreign to me still.
I decide to quit my job a few months back as winter is very tiring with all the house chores, shoveling, bringing wood in for the Woodstove, caring for a 2yr old and driving the 30 minutes on the highway. I made no money working. But I sure do miss having a job.
I don't really know people around here. The people ive met in the town close by just seem to think of me as a outsider i guess and don't visit or invite to things that are happening. OR theres just home wreckers! Yuck!
The people that ive met thru work dont live close by and its the same thing. No invites or visits. They all have their own lives and circle of friends.
All I have is the father in law down the road. But he isn't always up to par some days or he does things half assed as I see it, when he tries to be helpful. He's not one to go far from home, so he's not all that exciting to be around at times.
But I am thankful I do have someone near by if I need.
These past few months have been a challange. I've been feeling like I've lost control over myself, over everything.
I did spend a month with my parents. Of course I had my daughter. We enjoy every minute of being in the city and having family close. It was such a relief that I had some help with my daughter and I could actually have some me time, even during the day. Back at home there was always something that needed to be done. I am the only one to run the household. It can be a challenge trying to do chores with a 2 yr old wanting your attention.
Ive been caring for our daughter the most out of anyone. My husband doesn't have the relationship like I do with our daughter. I'm not sure what it is but he just doesn't get what a parent is to be like I guess? So alot of times he just avoids or stands off when around her.
Seems to be that a mother is to give 100% of themselves to their children.
A father just stands back and jumps in here and there.
Being a mother gets to you after a while. Emotionally, physically and the personal sacrifices you have to do.
I've been a one woman band as I see it.
I have my good solid patience filled fun days. Then I have my leave me alone please! days. I don't want to regret in the future for not giving all my attention and love to her. It's just wearing me down being this one woman band! I feel almost like a single parent who receives a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and bills paid as child support.
If we moved all this way for me to be left here alone with a child I don't think that's very fair and thoughtful.
If i had followed my feeling of possibly being left here alone when we were deciding to move I would still be in the comfortable place I called home.
As usual i Shove those feelings aside, as it can be just a made up thought, a allusion in the mind.
Or....is a feeling like a sixth sense? Hmmm....
I see now that if a feeling creeps on me maybe I should act upon it. I could be right?
Like the feeling I have now. Move into my parents house for a while. I am not going to raise our daughter alone and move place to place.
If we moved back to where he is working then I'll still be alone most of the time. And if we find a place far from friends and family then I'm right back to where I am now. Just he will home more often, probably weekends or days off.
Why can't he chose a job that's more normal? Like a 9-5 ish job? Is it worth it to be away all the time working 12-15 hrs or more a day?
Just thought this, :/
HaHa and he wants to have another child soon. I don't think I can handle it right now. I need a feeling of home and alot of peace in my heart and soul. I need my supporter and second hand man. Not just me being the one woman band running the whole show.
In conclusion to all this rambling,
I think I will do what's right and best for my daughter. She needs stability and so do I. I'm not moving here and there. I want to stay put somewhere. Have a happy family, together! Have a place to feel home. Have a life that feels almost normal.
Iesha
